Yesterday was the most difficult day I've ever experienced. Leaving the hospital without my little girl was excruciatingly painful. Jesse had to lead me out, my vision was blurred with the tears. I wore makeup for the first time in 13 days-not the best idea. I can't explain how it feels. I just kept saying "This feels so weird." To be home in our house without a baby or being pregnant just doesn't feel right. I feel like I lost something. I feel guilty for sitting on the couch. I feel sad because she is in the hospital without her momma hooked up to all sorts of machines. I feel helpless. And when something funny happens I laugh-and then feel guilty again. At the end of the day, I pumped breast milk to bring to her and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I got up early to pump again and a new day began. I didn't cry as much today. We were very busy. We packed bags with food and things to do. Then we headed to the hospital for her 8:00 feeding. It was a busy day; feeding every three hours, meeting doctors and other people in the NICU. After her 2:00 feeding I pumped and we left. No tears this time. Perhaps it will get easier each time.
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