For a while I thought it wasn't right to have negative thoughts about Nov 1. But I realize now it wasn't a positive experience and there is no reason to pretend. My beautiful baby girl was born on Nov 10th and THAT is a day to celebrate. Nov 1 was scary. My first ambulance ride, first time being admitted to a hospital, first night sleeping in a hospital bed-all while worrying about the little person growing inside me. It was scary.
A few weeks ago I broke my finger. No big deal, not worth sharing. I went to an urgent care connected to a hospital. Not a hospital that I'd been to recently. I went to get my finger checked around 7:00 at night. Being fall, it was dark already. As soon as I walked in I felt it, smelled it, sensed it. It took me back to my bedrest instantly. It almost took my breath away. The lobby wasn't fully lite, offices were closed, and snack stands gated up. Most people haven't experienced a hospital at night. I have. I've wandered the halls in the quiet dark. I've gone to the lobby for coffee only to find it wasn't open...yet.
The funny thing is that on Oct. 4th, just weeks prior, I was at the hospital where my whole experience began. I felt nothing. I parked, and went in full of excitement because I was there to support a momma in labor. Only my second time as a doula. Perhaps that is a testament to how focused I was on this mother or maybe it was just not close enough to Nov 1. That evening was long, and exhausting, and exhilarating, and beautiful. Birth is amazing! I feel so privileged to experience these moments with new parents.
Another wave of emotions came over me driving to work this week when I thought about the 'next time'. Many doctors advised us that my body needed a full year to heal before getting pregnant again. We aren't in any hurry so I haven't thought much about it. Now it's been a year. We could get pregnant now-don't get excited we don't plan to yet! This realization sent me on another tailspin. Now I have to face these fears. What if we have another preemie? What if it comes even earlier this time? So many 'what if's'.
So today we will remember. We will talk about what happened one year ago. Then we will move on. We have a birthday party to plan!!
This is last last photo of me and my belly before it deflated. I've often looked at other women late in their pregnancy and wondered if my belly got that big. It's still hard to tell from this photo.
